Lost...

If you have been reading this blog, you can see I talk a good game. But, a feeling of confusion and being completely lost in life has been haunting me...

On one hand I have started this whole quest to "save the world" by starting with the most fundamental need -- food. I know I will look back at my experience on the organic farm fondly, but right now I have just been frustrated. I am not learning enough about the animals. Apparently that's a man's job because all the men work with the livestock and the women are left to toil away in the garden. I got a job on a diverse, organic farm for a reason. That reason was not to only learn about half of what we omnivores eat. Yes, I know how to grow my own food when sooo many people do not, but I am feeling a little disappointed. Maybe the next farm will be better, maybe I will subscribe to WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) and travel -- I have no idea. Lately, I am lost on what to do about my life as a whole.

When I see my friends, they ask, "Well, now that you are working on the farm...what are you going to do next?" Do you have any idea how terrifying that question is for me? The reason why it scares is because I don't have a next move. Yes, I have not completely left journalism. I am broadening my writing abilities everyday and writing for more and more publications. I plan to add these freelancing experiences to my portfolio, but what the hell am I going to do with my portfolio? I have no answers.

It seems every next move I come up with has to do with "saving the world." This mindset has not only stressed me out, it has made me forget about myself. What am I going to do to better myself and my career? Going back to school has crossed my mind, but for what?

My feelings of absolute confusion and being lost in my own thoughts has led to me being completely apathetic. I know I have work to do, I know I have to make money, I know I have deadlines...but right now -- I just don't care. What the f is wrong with me?!

I know this blog is really me just repeating what's going on in my mind out loud and is terribly depressing, but I really feel so lost. I have run out of ideas. Are these quests to try and change the direction our country is heading in just me avoiding growing up and conforming? I can't even answer what I want out of life anymore. As someone who has always been so sure of myself and what I want, this is a scary realization. Is it just a phase? Is it time to just get a "good" job? Or should I just suck it up and let time and God tell? I have no answers, hopefully that's just a part of youth...but, then again, I am not young anymore...